Tears as Christmas
by rika08
Summary: A simple shopping trip brings about an unthinkable hurt to the Messer family. AU.
1. Chapter 1

It was a cold frozen morning in Manhattan. Snow was piled high on the sidewalks, burying store and office windows. Civilians were bundled up tightly, protecting themselves from the bitter wind. Such was the life of those living in New York during the winter. Despite the weather, the sidewalks were crammed with Christmas shoppers. Stores were filed with people searching for the perfect present.

Danny Messer looked outside his apartment window. The weather hadn't been too bad, but it still concerned him. "You sure you wanna go out in this Montana?"

"Danny, it's only for two hours." Lindsay answered. She walked out of their bedroom carrying Lucy's diaper bag.

"I know, babe, but that doesn't mean it's safe." Danny replied. He turned form the window.

Lindsay looked up at him and smiled. "This wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that I'm thirty one weeks pregnant, does it?"

Danny averted his eyes form Lindsay.

Lindsay sighed lightly. "Danny, I've been off field duty for four months. I've been stuck inside the lab since then, and now with the snow this winter, I've been stuck inside. I need to get out once in a while. And who knows when the next time will be."

Danny raised his hands. "I know, I know, babe. It's the weather that concerns me. I don' want you getting' stuck somewhere."

Lindsay smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck. "You're cute when you worry, cowboy."

"I can be cuter if you stay." Danny offered.

Lindsay kissed him quickly. "Sorry Danny. I need to do my Christmas shopping. And Stella insists on buying some new baby clothes for me. So I won't be alone."

"Stella's just using you as an excuse to go shopping." Danny said.

"And I'm using her as an excuse to get out of the house, so it works both ways." Lindsay replied. She released Danny and picked up one of Lucy's stuffed toys. "Can you get Lucy into her carrier for me?"

Danny nodded. He strolled over to Lucy's play pin. She was lying on her back, swatting at the hanging mobile above her head. Danny lifted Lucy up out of the pin. She smiled, giggling at her father. "Hey there Luce. You ready to go with mama?"

Lucy giggled again.

Danny smiled and kissed his daughter cheek. "Course you are." He set her in her seat and strapped her in.

Lindsay finished backing the bag and stood up from the ground. She placed her hand on her back and eased herself upright. She started toward the table, where Danny had strapped Lucy in. She took a few steps and stopped, gasping.

Danny turned quickly. "You alright?"

Lindsay exhaled, nodding. "Yeah. Just one hard kick."

"You sure that was it?" Danny asked.

Lindsay looked at Danny. "Well, let's see, I've already had one child, Danny. I think I know when they kick."

Danny said nothing, but he looked annoyed with Lindsay.

Lindsay walked to the table and set the bag beside Lucy. She looked to Danny and touched his cheek. "Danny, stop worrying. You're acting like this is our first child, again."

"It's not that babe. I just…don't have a good feelin' about you goin' out today. Can't you put this off for another day?" Danny asked.

Lindsay shook her head. "No. Stella works, I work, you work. I know you don't want me out there alone. This is the only time I can go out."

Danny nodded. "Alright."

There was a knock at their door. "That'll be Stella." Lindsay said. She kissed Danny quickly. "I'll call when we head back to the apartment, kay?"

"Kay. Have a good time. "Danny called.

Lindsay picked up Lucy, the bag, her purse, and walked to the door. Danny beat her there and opened it. Stella stood out in the hall. She smiled ad took the bag from Lindsay for her convenience.

"Be safe." Danny said.

Lindsay smiled. "We will. Bye."

Danny waved as they walked down the hall.

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yeah, so who can see where this is going to go wrong?

i own nothing!


	2. Chapter 2

Stella and Lindsay sat in the car in the parkade of one of the malls. Lucy was asleep in her car seat and had been for the passed half hour. Stella was looking through the bag of clothes she'd bought for Lindsay. Lindsay smiled; Stella had found some very cute outfits. She pulled out some cute pink dresses

"Stella, what am I going to do if I have a boy?" Lindsay asked.

"Return them. Just keep the tags on until you find out. Or I'll take them back for you." Stella answered.

Lindsay laughed shaking her head.

"Oh, while we're on the topic, why haven't you two found out the sex of the baby yet?" Stella asked.

Lindsay shrugged. "I guess we wanna be surprised. With Lucy we chickened out, but this time we want to be surprised."

Stella nodded. "Is Danny hoping for another girl, or a boy?"

Lindsay smirked. "Danny claims he's happy with either, but I think he wants another girl."

Stella giggled. "What about you? You have a little princess, but what about a younger brother?

Lindsay was silent for a moment. She turned her head, watching the buildings pass by. "Don't tell Danny, Stella, but…I want a little boy. If this is our last child, then I want to have a little boy. But if it turns out she'll be a girl, I'm okay with that."

The light ahead turned yellow. Stella stepped on the break, slowing the car to a slow stop. She glanced at Lindsay. "I like your reasons, Lindsay, but I would've gone with saving what's left of Danny's male nature. Two girls in one house are going to get him at some point."

Both women burst into fitful laughter. Lindsay had tears rolling down her cheeks and couldn't breathe. Lucy started making noises in the back. Lindsay shifted in her seat, angling herself to Lucy.

"I don't think we'll have a problem, Stell. If Lucy's anything like us, Danny will have her throwing a baseball before she can walk." Lindsay said. "Besides, Danny and his little princess are fine. Those two have a strong bond between them. I guess I'm kind of hoping for the same thing if I have a boy."

The light turned to green and Stella pressed the gas. They slowly began inching into the intersection. Stella glanced over at Lindsay. "Well, that might be a way to keep the boys from her. If she throws like Danny, they'll be scared for their lives."

"Don't tell Danny that. He'll start pushing baseball then." Lindsay said. Both women started laughing again.

"Oh no! I have to call Danny. I told him I'd call when we started back." Lindsay said. She lifted her purse and searched for her phone.

While she searched, Lindsay heard the sound of tires spinning on the pavement. The roar of an engine and sirens ceased their laughter. Lindsay turned her head out her window, in the direction of the sound. She could see flashing lights of police cruisers heading for them. In pursuit of the car barreling towards them.

"STELLA!" Lindsay screamed. But it was too late.

The car plowed into them at insane speeds. Stella's car skid into the car beside her from the impact. Stella's head slammed into her door from the force. Lindsay took the full hit. She lay slumped against the crushed door. Lindsay could hear the faint sound of the sirens and screeching tires. The interior of the car fazed in and out of focus. Footsteps rushed to their cars. Shouts and orders were barked aloud. Then everything went black.

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and here comes the fun part. yeah, i really need a new life.

i own noting


	3. Chapter 3

Danny sat in the waiting room outside of surgery. His face was buried in his hands. He sat hunched over in the car. Mac was slowly pacing around the room. Hawkes sat next to Danny, offering support. Flack was elsewhere in the hospital, checking on Stella.

Danny sighed and looked up at the clock. It had only been two hours since he'd been called about the accident. Flack had called him about the accident. Danny still couldn't believe this was happening. He's only seen them hours ago. He'd kissed Lindsay goodbye, now she was fighting for her life.

Footsteps down the hall caused them all to look up. Flack was walking through the hall with a beaten up Stella. Her head was stitched and bandaged up. The left side of her face and left arm were deep blue and purple, caused from the impact.

"How're ya doin' Stell?" Danny asked. He couldn't blame Stella for the accident. He knew it wasn't her fault; he'd ridden with her numerous times.

"I'm alright. How's Lindsay doing? And Lucy?" Stella replied.

"They got Lucy up in the NICU. And Lindsay's still in surgery." Danny answered.

No one said a word. Flack led Stella into the chairs near Danny and Hawkes. The wait was unbearable. Danny couldn't stop thinking about if he lost Lindsay. Could he raise Lucy by himself? Could he even go on without her?

Danny shook his head. No. No, he couldn't think about that. He wouldn't think about that. Lindsay was a strong woman. She'd proven herself time and time again since she joined the team. It would take more than a car crash to take her out. He had to believe. He had to trust the surgeons could save her.

The time was lost in thought. Hours passed painfully slow, but the doctors finally emerged from the surgery room. He pulled off his mask, entering the waiting room. Danny stood up, as did Hawke and Flack. Stella looked up from the floor and Mac stopped pacing.

The surgeon stopped and addressed the group. "Which one of you is the husband?"

Danny stepped forward. "That'd be me."

The surgeon motion to speak with Danny in private. Danny felt his heart lurch. He pushed back every darkening fear and thought from his mind, and followed the doctor down the hall.

"Mr. Messer, we've stabilized you wife. Her right shoulder was dislocated in the crash and she's broken her radius and ulna. She's suffered a minor concussion; however, she has a small skull fracture. There's no swelling in her brain, but we're going to keep her for a few days for observation." he explained.

Danny nodded, but he was still confused. All these procedures could usually take place without operating on the patient. So what was the surgery about?

"Despite her injuries, your wife will make a full recovery, however…we weren't able to save the baby." the surgeon said.

Danny felt the air sucked from his lungs. That's what the surgery was for. They were trying to save the baby. And they couldn't.

"We were forced to do an emergency c-section if there was to be any chance of saving the infant, but the crash put too much trauma to the infant." the surgeon explained.

Danny barely managed to catch his breath. "Was it a boy or a girl?"

"A boy. I'm very sorry for your loss, Mr. Messer." he said.

Danny licked his bottom lip. "When uh…when can I see my wife?"

"We're taking her up to ICU for the night. But as soon as she wakes up, you can see her." he answered.

Danny nodded slowly. "Can uh…can…can I…uh… can I see my son?"

The doctor nodded slowly. He led Danny through the hall into the room. Danny averted his eyes from the blood of the floor. It was Lindsay's blood, he knew that already. It was from the operation. His eyes scanned along the room. The doctor led Danny to the small newborn incubator.

Danny felt his eyes sting with tears. His son lay peacefully in the incubator. They'd put an IV into his foot, traditional for premature babies. A small oxygen tube was under his nose to help him breathe. Danny noticed how small he was compared to Lucy. He was so small. Danny hesitantly reached through the space in the incubator. He ran his finger along his sons' cheek. The baby was cold to the touch, breaking Danny's heart further. How could he every tell Lindsay that she'd lost the baby?

"Where's…where's my wife's room?" Danny asked.

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yes i killed the baby. would you rather i kill Lindsay? I know I'm cruel, but i get random ideas in my head. sorry

i own nothing


	4. Chapter 4

Lindsay lay in her bed, lying on her left side. The doctors had given her orders not to sleep on her right side, or even on her back, for at least three weeks. Her shoulder and arm were still slung in her sling. Her left hand lay underneath her pillow beneath her head.

It had been two weeks since Lindsay had been discharged from the hospital and three weeks since the accident. Since Lindsay had been discharged, she'd spent every day in bed. Danny had taken as much time off as he could, and when that failed, Stella had volunteered to help Lindsay. Stella had pitched in to make meals, clean the apartment, and take care of Lucy, since Lindsay had been basically placed on bed rest. Stella had also been the one to take down the Christmas decorations and the unopened presents. Lindsay was partially convinced that Danny couldn't do it just yet. Neither could she, if she was even able to sit upright.

Lindsay swallowed harshly. She felt her eyes burn with tears. Her right hand grazed over her stomach. She'd grown so attached to the bump in her stomach, it tore her up every time her fingers passed and it was no longer there. There was no more movement to wake her in the middle of the night. No midnight trips to the bathroom. No more random cravings. Just a horrid scar and bitter memories to tell Lindsay that her son was gone.

The front door creaked open. Lindsay knew it was Danny getting off his double shift. He'd taken over her shifts as well as his own since the accident. Lindsay listened to Danny's footsteps as he closed the door and slowly made his way to the bedroom. She could hear the bedroom door open. The entire apartment was dark, but Lindsay could still see Danny's outline enter the bedroom. He closed the door was walked around Lindsay's side of the bed. Danny sat on the edge of the bed and started undressing.

Lindsay listened to Danny remove his shoes and shirt. She could hear the clank of his shield and gun into the drawer of the table. Lindsay listened to Danny changing into his night pants. She could already picture him in his wife beater tank.

The blankets opened at an angle as Danny crawled into bed. She felt the bed shift under his weight. Lindsay waited until Danny lay still in bed. She could sense he was lying on his back, looking up at the ceiling. He'd done it every night since Lindsay came home. That was all Danny did, stare at the ceiling until he fell asleep. Occasionally she could hear him cry, even if he tried to hide it. It was more than Lindsay did. She couldn't find herself crying over her lost son. No matter how long she thought about it, the tears never came.

Lindsay slipped her arm from her sling and carefully reached behind her. She winced at the pain in her shoulder. Her fingers searched along the blankets until she found Danny's hand. Despite her bulky cast and bandages, she intertwined her fingers with his. She felt Danny touch the top of her hand, stroking her fingers.

"I'm sorry." Lindsay whispered.

The bed shifted beneath her. "What? Sorry for what, babe?"

"I'm sorry for not listening to you." Lindsay answered. She sniffed back what tears she could. "If I had listened to you then none of this would've happened-"

"Don't Lindsay. Don't you blame yourself for this." Danny said.

"If I had stayed here then-"

"Lindsay you couldn't have know what was going to happen that day. No one knew." Danny explained. He moved closer to Lindsay, wrapped her arm and his around her stomach. "This wasn't your fault, babe."

Lindsay wiped the tears with her left hand. "I want him back, Danny. I want my baby back."

Danny fought back the tears. He kissed Lindsay on her head. "I know, Lindsay. I know."

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yeah, how am i supposed to end this on a happy note? i can't! so i'm sorry this wasn't a great ending but I tried. rr please!!

i own nothing


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